Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Hi, Friends!

I've had a number of followers who have been sticking around this blog for literally years. An especially notable achievement for some given my long, LONG periods of inactivity. Either that, or they are just bad at thinning out their stable of followed blogs.

I have a post in the works (for reals!), but figured I would do a quick update right now.

As I said in my...last...update post, I recently graduated from college. All super duper exciting and whatnot - except that pesky act known as getting a job. Put simply, not only is no one hiring in general, but no one is especially hiring in the field of journalism, where the old flagships are slowly falling into a pit of bankruptcy.

I've gotten lucky and found some work as a freelancer covering some local high school sports teams and am still rocking my unpaid internship. But that's not enough, both for personal fulfillment and rent-paying purposes. I want to go on to do great big things in the field of journalism, shed lights where none had been previously shone, make lives better and educate. The way I see it, I need three things to get there: luck, hard work and exposure.

Thankfully, I can control the latter two options. Therefore:

1. I will be starting a new news blog in the coming weeks. I've been working on it off and on for awhile now, and I'm hoping it will be ready to launch soon. It will be rough, like a newborn baby that is kind of cute and you can see that it may one day be worthwhile, but for now is a little misshapen and only consumes time/produces excrement. You all will be kept abreast, should you be interested.

2. I will be posting here more often. It won't be an every day kind of thing, but if I want to have a job writing, I need to treat it as one. Expect lots of the same weird, goofy, nerdy, and yet strangely heartwarming content to come.

3. Finally, and likely most jarringly for some followers, I have now finally posted my name on my blog. I haven't done TERRIBLY well at hiding it (lots of linking to columns I've written, my email address, etc), but now it's official. I can no longer fool myself into thinking I have complete anonymity. As such, I have removed (not deleted) a few old posts from my blog. I do so not out of shame nor regret, but in hopes of making this blog an overall better place. Namely, better for getting a job.

Hopefully, this doesn't all come back in a few years to bite me ("We were looking through your old blog and saw that you make a post about deep tissue massage as it relates to intercourse. So that's awkward."), but I think that ultimately it will be helpful to me in the long run. Hope you guys agree and  stick around for the ride.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Culture as a non-collegian

Now that I've graduated from college, I've had to get used to a lot of new things in my life. Working at a real office three days a week and being trusted enough to be 100% productive all of the time.* Forcing myself to try to keep up with the news. The finely-tuned day-off balance of sleeping, video games, reading, and frantically applying to real (read: paying yet not soul-crushing) jobs before I run out of money.**

**35/45/14.99999999999999/.0000000000000001, in percentages

But for me, more than the crippling fears of poverty, fatness, selling out, lack of talent/drive/intelligence, and making my roommates hate me for hogging the television, is a fear of becoming culturally distant.

I'm under no illusions here. It is nearly impossible to keep one's thumb on the pulse of society forever. No matter the number of indie music shows you go to, how often you hit up night clubs, how many quotes you know from the latest hit movie, or how cutting-edge your wardrobe is, it will come to an end.

One day, you're a chic, hip dude or dudette about town. The next, you suddenly realize you have never heard of a single one of the artists in the Top 40, your favorite bands are all 15+ years old, you don't laugh whatever people are calling funny, and those under the age of 20 give you the same eye roll you gave to your father when he gave one of his "classic" one-liners or dated references. Or, worse yet, you become the creepy old person who is so desperate to cling to their former glory they gel up their widow's peak, only listen to the freshest beats, and *just* button up their low V-neck shirt over their gut that they swear wasn't there a couple weeks ago.

Really, you either die a cool young man, or you live long enough to see yourself become the dad.

I don't mean to sound jaded and dramatic. I'm only 22 and still listen to bands you've TOTALLY never heard of. And need I point out that years old Dark Knight reference? Yeah, still got it. But I am farther and farther removed from the cesspool of culture that is college with every day. I no longer work at an independent radio station. I don't have a large soundboard of constant chatter to parrot things about the Oscars or how totally dumb that one thing was or whatever. Combine that with my strong preference of shunning most human contact that isn't my girlfriend, my roommates, pornography or the service staff of Cilantro Thai Kitchen, and what hope do I have of fending off my inevitable spiral into a cultural abyss?

Luckily, I have an internet family. What say you fellow bloggers? Where do you turn to get your new fresh beats? To watch shows on the internet that aren't from 1999 (totally just started the West Wing)?

Help me.

Look, to demonstrate my dire need, here's a video of a band who was mostly popular in the late 90s singing a song popularized by another 90s band that had one 90s hit.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Back. Probably. Maybe really this time.

Well, what can I say that I haven't said before? (See three of my last four and approximately 12 of my 114 posts) I've been gone for awhile. Much has happened. I promise I'm going to be better. But we'll get to that in a bit. First, an enumerated list of at least a few of the things that have been going on in life the last...year.

And a half.


1. Was editor-in-chief at my college newspaper I am ashamed to admit it, but I don't actually remember if I wrote about this around when it happened. I am less ashamed to admit that I'm a bit too lazy to look it up. It was all-in-all an incredible experience. Sure I may have been disliked by some administrators, had to fire some friends, stayed in the office until 5:30 in the morning before getting up for my 9:20 class, and had to forego most other pleasures in life aside from girlfriend and Thai food. But I got to be a better writer, manager, editor, and person and met a whole mess of great people. Even got a couple of awards for our trouble.

  2. Brother committed suicide I currently don't have tons more to say beyond that I'm doing okay, miss him dearly, and that I'm sure I'll do a big long post on it in the future. For now, if interested, go here.

  3. Graduation Finally done with school! Woohoo! I can't believe how wonderful it feels to be able to type that. I've always been one of those people who was smart enough to overcome a crippling amount of laziness, so here's hoping I can transfer that ability into continuing to do so in a real world job. Can't say college didn't teach my anything I guess.

4. Jobs Looking for one. Yup. Unpaid journalism with a political watchdog group right now, which is pretty awesome, but for some reason people weren't just calling me with job offers the day after graduation. Also I'm thinking about moving to South Korea for a year to teach English, but have a pretty excellent batch of friends/girlfriend/teaching English isn't exactly doing journalism, so I'm not sure about that yet or not.

5. Moving It is the worst. That is all.


 Not my most awe-inspiring blog post of all time, but part of the reason I got so far behind in updating was because I kept putting off the now semi-annual "sorry I haven't been blogging blog" because they are, frankly, not that fun to write. But now I have some ideas for things that I want to write again and don't have a job that requires me to write constantly and keeps me on a four hour per day sleep cycle, so here's hoping.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

My brother

See? I'm back! Totally!


The school year is starting to wind down, and my sleep schedule should be returning to semi-normal in a month or two. As such, I will once again need an outlet for writing stuff (as well as something to throw on a resume eventually, pending some potential deleting of some of the posts on here) and will be restarting the blog in earnest.

Obviously, there is a lot to update everyone on in my life (being editor-in-chief, graduating, jobs, maybe living in South Korea for a year, you know, no big). But a couple of weeks ago, something took a little extra precedence - my brother, Ryan, committed suicide.

It's been an up-and-down last couple of weeks, but I and my family are generally doing okay. I'm sure I'll write more about it on here, but I figured for starters I would just post the column I wrote this week on my newspaper for you all to read. Many of my followers on this blog know an embarrassing amount of personal information about me, and I weirdly thought many of you almost deserved to read it. I'm actually immensely proud of it (which is probably another reason I'm posting it), and I hope that some of you or some people you know can get something from it.

More to come soon, promise.

Monday, July 11, 2011

My Name is Soft Nonsense, And I am a Blogger. Really.

We have all had gaps in our blogging lives. Some longer than others. And once one finds him or herself in such a bind, he or she must spur him or herself into blogging action. However, this can be a long, hard process. Through my own wealth of experience, I have been able to classify the stages of blog withdrawal for your scholarly appreciation.


Thought associated: "Oh my God, I haven't blogged in a two and a half weeks."

This first step is the most frequent, and the easiest point in which to reverse the downward spiral. A moment that, on the surface, catches the blogger off-guard, though the blogger knows that the lack of posting has been gnawing at his or her brain. Note the lack of exclamation points: it is not yet a panic-driven situation. Instead, it is simply a revelatory one that will obviously be addressed with the utmost immediacy.


Thought associated: "Well...define immediacy. 'Cuz I have this thing..."

'Excuses' can occur anywhere from a few days after the first step to mere seconds after it. The world outside the blogosphere rears its ugly head, demanding the blogger's attention, and prohibiting the blogger from writing. These events can include anything from regular commitments (say, finals), a new job (say, being named the Editor-In-Chief of his college newspaper) to a fun event that is too massive to undertake quickly in a "get off the ground" type of post (like a 21st birthday or the Chicago Comic and Entertainment Expo). No doubt these events will blow over quickly, says the blogger, and I will be able to devote the time necessary to all of them.


Thought associated: "WHAT THE %&$#!!! HOW COULD I...well okay. I will do a blog tomorrow after I finish this paper."

The blogger begins to feel what many intellectuals in the field deem 'social networking guilt.' He becomes angry with him or herself, expressing his or her disappointment in him or herself. The blogger then tries to set benchmarks or timelines for the next post, in an attempt to force something creative. This is the stage in which 'throwaway posts' are frequent: ones promising future blogging, often assuring the blogger's 'friends' that he or she is "lol not dead, promise!"


Thought associated: "The Internet has other things on it than Wikipedia, Facebook, and porn?"

Whether it be because whatever event was bargained for never occurred ("I'll do it after my laundry, which I'm totally going to do tomorrow...") or because step two occurred again, continued lack of blogging is common simply due to the lack of regimentalized writing and creativity. Because it is no longer a habitual act for the blogger, it is no longer on the blogger's mental to-do list. CT-scans of the brains of bloggers who are in this stage often show sever atrophy in the parts of the cerebellum responsible for creative thinking, online socialization, and bad puns.


Thought associated: "I guess I'll just never write on the Internets again."

The blogger loses all hope in him or herself as a blogger. He or she tries to convince him or herself that writing was "just a phase" and that they "will just move on to different, better things." While closely tied to step one, this stage is a different, more pathetic sort of denial than stage one.


Thought associated: "I can do this!"

This stage is usually set up by some sort of event, whether it is the rediscovery of the blogging home page on their bookmark list or an email alert from a comment on an old post. The blogger becomes nostalgic to the point of nausea, and decides that they "have time in [their] life to be creative again."


Thought associated: "I can't do this!"

Months upon months of repressed creativity spill out in such a way that absolutely no creativity spills out. No post they can summon up can truly provide the "bang" their triumphant return to the Internet so obviously deserves in their silly, poo-brained minds. The blogger thinks of a fraction of the stories that they SHOULD have turned into witty, insightful, and entertaining posts long ago, and struggles to find a way to bring all of them together in one grand masterstroke. Examples include a new girlfriend, old study abroad stories, meeting celebrities like Aziz Ansari and Jesse Eisenberg, being back in Hawaii, and a witty observation about beer.


Thought associated: "D': jkasdfajkldjklasdkfjlergiophwejnz;vxbkhlrgqiopgjkndfknl;advijoegqrhiopegrjkndv"

Then, they can't.


Thought associated: "Fuck it, we'll do it live."

The blogger, worried that he or she will fall back into complacency after coming so close to productivity, sits down and pounds out nonsense for several hundred words in hopes that simply posting will be enough of a spur to get the so-called "blog train a-rollin'." It rarely does.


Information from this study was based off of a real subject in a real study, neither of which involved the author of this post.


Sunday, May 1, 2011

OBL Made A Huge Mistake

Though this was hardly the post that I was planning on happening next, I felt like the opportunity was just too good.

As I'm sure you all will have heard by the time I get this post up, Osama Bin Laden was found, killed, and taken into custody.* Needless to say, it's an important milestone for the country. It's a psychological victory for the U.S. and all those who lost someone on 9/11, and a psychological loss to Al Qaeda et al.

*Yes, in that order. Let it never be said that America doesn't know how to arrest an international terrorist.

He was the most hated and most wanted man in the United States, and in much of the world. He evaded capture for more than 10 years, and likely traveled across multiple countries to do so. His alleged presence in a country alone could cause international incident.

As I sat watching CNN like so many other Americans, it struck me.

Fact 1: Osama Bin Laden has avoided capture for 10 years, and traveled to a number of other countries.
Fact 2: He was found in a mansion outside of Islamabad, the capitol of Pakistan.
Fact 3: The Arrested Development movie is going through extensive re-writes.

If Osama Bin Laden hasn't been bopping between Bluthe family mansions across the Middle East and South Asia for the last decade, I'll say ol' Mitch Hurwitz has severely missed out on one hell of a joke.

God Bless America.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

True Life: I'm Busy as S#!t

When I get mind-blowingly busy during the school year, certain things tend to happen in my life, roughly in this order:

1. No sleep

In an attempt to either accomplish all that is in front of me or do enough brainless vegging to make up for my otherwise lack of life, sleep is generally the first thing to go.

2. Steep decline in fashion

Because, quite frankly, when I'm running on 3 hours of sleep, yesterday's jeans and a semi-clean hoodie is often a best-case scenario. And don't you judge me, pretty girl in my Opinion-Editorial writing class. Just because you're willing to get up at 5:30 to give yourself the "oh I just wake up beautiful!" look, doesn't mean the rest of us have to. My hair and beard grew to ridiculous proportions:

I was originally going to have a video post weaving an elaborate story of being kidnapped by a hippie lumberjack commune, but admitting it would have hurt too much. Don't worry, I look much less like a wannabe Wookie nowadays.

3. Fall behind in class, then have a massive load of catching up to do come midterms/finals/test/essays

After sleep goes, my drive to do pretty much anything - especially my responsibilities- goes right along with it. Then I end up staying indoors during most of my waking hours relaxing because I don't have the energy to do anything, then realize that I should have been studying instead of relaxing, then I scramble to do it all right at the due date, leading to even less sleep. Vicious cycle.

Scene from one of my all-nighters this midterm season:

4. More blogging

While I'm sitting around doing nothing, I like to blog. It's good way to feel productive while not doing anything that requires me to do anything that I' don't particularly want to. I entered this semester knowing that it was going to be unbelievably hectic (particularly compared to my semester abroad before it), but I also figured that would mean an increase in blogging to relax and vent and what have you.

Unfortunately, I didn't count on the insane amount of writing that my classes and rediscovered journalistic passion would require. Call me crazy, but blogging after a week including a 10-page paper, a column for class, and three articles for the newspaper isn't the most appealing way to spend my time.

So here I am, crawling back to the internets. Once again. Don't say you didn't miss me, because I actually became MORE popular while I was gone (+1 follower, what what!). I don't know how frequent this whole "consistently updating" thing will happen. I'll at least try to get back on reading blogs again (I hid from you all in shame after the first month or so of no updates). But for now, off to the newspaper office.

As per usual.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

All Grown Up?

Welp, I'm back safe and sound back in old Chi-town. Back in my apartment, back on campus, and back to "normal" life, or whatever the post-abroad equivalent of that could be. I've been told that I'll get Romesick at some point in the very near future, if I'm not already. So far so good on that front for me, but as things start dialing up, the chance for me to pine for the past will only become easier. Chicago winters are brutal, and when it gets cold and after I've worked for eight hours a night for three days on the newspaper and have an essay to write, I don't want to go down to pick up my Thai food, let alone go adventuring or make an effort to hang out with people. And keeping up with the fast-paced lifestyle of Rome is one thing I'm counting on to keep the Romesickness at bay.

The newspaper starts tomorrow night, and I'm now the head editor with two assistants instead of me and another co-editor for an editor-in-chief who simultaneously doubles as an ass who thinks everyone else is wrong and my roommate. School starts again Tuesday. Rent is due soon. And weirdly enough, all this isn't complaining about any of it. Instead, all this hitting me has just made me feel adult-ish. I only have a year and a half before graduation, I know a couple people who were just in college who are getting married and pregnant (in that order), and I semi should sort of come up with some sort of inkling of what to do come next May.

But by God, I won't let it get me yet.

That's part of the reason I came up with last week's list. I'm a somewhat sedentary individual by nature, but I got a glimpse of the active lifestyle while abroad, and I won't let myself forget that. So I'm going to try hard to make sure I get out and treat Chicago like a vacation - experience as much as I can, go places I haven't been, and do it with friends.

And on that note, here is this week's radio playlist. It was my first show back since early August, and it definitely showed, but all part of getting into the swing of things. I wanted this to be a longer post, but I was kind of tired after watching Steve Wiebe from "King of Kong" try to break the world record in Donkey Kong, and am running a little late to my Super Mario Bros. burlesque show.


John Legend and the Roots - Our Generation (The Hope of the World)
BOAT - We Want It! We Want It!
The Dandy Warhols - All the Money Or The Simple Life Honey
Dogs Die in Hot Cars - Lounger
Tokyo Police Club - Your English Is Good
Presidents of the United States of America - Sharpen Up Those Fangs
Neutral Milk Hotel - Holland 1945
The Asteroids Galaxy Tour - Around the Bend
CAKE - Jolene
The Apples in Stereo - Dream About The Future
Skybox - Light
The Specials - Pressure Drop
Hollerado - Juliette
Rotary Downs - Wild Pink In Super 8
Flobots - Handlebars


List update:

14: Learned to play "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and "Fuck You" by Cee Lo Green on the ukulele (2/10)
19: Added lots of songs after a radio show (10085/18000)

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Best Laid Plans...

I thought I had it all figured out, I really did. I thought I could outsmart the internet.

No, not even something as silly as that*. I was merely trying to predict the internet.

*The internet has Wikipedia, the source for 95% of my knowledge, so auto-win there.

You see, on January 5th, I was standing upon not one, but two precipes. Precipi. Two things. Fuck you.

Anyway, I had two milestones in my sights: I was four people away from 50 followers, and the next day would be my one-year blog anniversary. And by damn, if I was going to reach one, I was going to reach the other, and have a glorious blog post about it as well. First, to push my readership up a notch, I not only dusted off a winning blog post that I had been semi-working on for more than six months, but also did the whorey POST ON EVERY SINGLE GROUP EVER ON TWENTY SOMETHING BLOGGERS thing (which, I'll be real, I've done a couple times). Then I brainstormed all sorts of different and momentous posts for my one year, and came up with some decent enough stuff.

Then I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

I, being in Hawaii, didn't have tons of time to write a bunch, in part because I finally bought a ukulele and was jamming on it until the wee hours of the morning, so I was kind of putting off writing it until I got magical number 50. And, though I did in fact reach it (and am at 51 at last check), it didn't happen until super early on the 7th.

I got greedy, and I paid the price.

So, to mark all of these things, I decided to take a couple days to work on a little something that I'm sure many of you bloggers have no doubt come upon before:

100 Goals in 1001 Days

The Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (i.e. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (i.e. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days? Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

My first ever post was one about New Year's Resolutions, nearly all of which failed miserably. So this year I wanted to do something a little different. By giving myself a list of things that I wanted to do, a long time frame to accomplish it, and a blog with which I can record what I do, when I do it, I can take small steps improve myself without tons of pressure and a small degree of accountability. I maintain the right to change any of these, mainly because I'm in college and 20 and shit can change quickly and unpredictably. I will not, however, change any of them to be easier to accomplish.

Today is Monday, January 10, 2011, giving me until October 7, 2013 to accomplish the following 101 things:


1. Go abroad again
2. Go to Mardi Gras
3. Go on a road trip
4. Go to a place in the U.S. that I had never visited before
5. Plan a dream trip somewhere, complete with research and logistics


6. Go to Chicago Comic and Entertainment Expo
7. See all the major museums in Chicago (0/5)
8. Shedd, Science and Industry, Art Institute, Contemporary Art, Adler, Chicago History, Field
9. Be in Chinatown for the Chinese New Year
10. See a show at the Chicago Theater
11. Go to the Skydeck at the Sears (NOT WILLIS) Tower
12. Go to the Chicago Outdoor Film Festival
13. Ride the CTA holiday train


14. Learn to play 10 songs on the ukulele (0/10)
15. Learn to play 10 songs on the bass (0/10)
16. Learn to play 10 songs on the piano (0/10)
17. Set aside half an hour every day to play/practice music
18. See an orchestra perform
19. Reach 18,000 songs on my iTunes library (9,887/18,000)


20. Establish a workout plan, and stick to it for 3 months straight (0/3)
21. Take a martial arts class
22. Floss every day for a month
23. Brush 3x a day for two weeks
24. Go to bed before 11pm for one week


25. See a midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show
26. Take a photography class/make an effort to learn the basics
27. Watch all of the Best Picture nominated films each year
2011 – (0/10)
2012 – (0/10)
2013 – (0/10)
28. Attend 2 live improv performances (0/2)
29. Attend 3 plays (0/3)
30. Sneak into a movie
31. Go to 10 concerts (0/10)
32. Watch every Pixar movie in the span of one month (0/11 – as of Sat, Jan. 8)


33. Finish writing about my time abroad
34. Update layout of my blog twice (0/2)
35. Blog every day for a week 3 times (0/3)
36. Have someone guest post
37. Reach 100 followers (50/100)


38. Take a cooking class
39. Make a pie from scratch
40. Finally try Kansas City’s own Boulevard Beer
41. Be able to make my dad’s chili sans recipe
42. Invent 3 recipes (0/3)
43. Go out to a nice restaurant by myself
44. Eat only homemade meals for an entire week
45. Make a pitcher of sangria
46. Make sushi
47. Be a vegetarian for one week
48. Make gnocchi from scratch
49. Eat the following types of food: Italian, Thai, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Indian, Ethiopian, French, Vietnamese, Greek, Mexican, Cajun, Barbecue


50. Graduate college
51. Attend grad school OR be in a job within my preferred profession OR partake in a youthful “search for self”
52. Get a library card
53. Read at least one book a month
54. Write at least 6 articles for another newspaper section (0/6)
55. Write 5 (real, snail mail) letters to 5 people who have changed my life (0/5)
56. Plan an outing/trip (day or otherwise) with each sibling (0/2)
57. Send 5 “just because” gifts (0/5)
58. Volunteer 6 times (0/6)
59. Stand up for myself in a meaningful way
60. Finish a New York Times crossword puzzle without cheating
61. Re-read 5 books that were childhood favorites (0/5)
62. Be able to name every U.S. President in order
63. Build something (like with tools and whatnot)
64. Keep the sink dish-free for 1 week
65. Plan and/or throw a party
66. Learn how to change a tire
67. Attend a service in a Lutheran church in Chicago
68. Make out in/otherwise defile somewhere random/scandalous/unusual
69. Meditate/reflect for 15 minutes per day for a week
70. See a Blackhawks, Bulls, Bears, White Sox, Cubs, Royals, Chiefs, and Nebraska game
71. Be known by name at my local comic book store


72. Perform something in front of a live audience (stand-up, reading, music, etc)
73. Carry a thoughts journal with me to write down ideas
74. Keep a list/book of inspirational, funny, or otherwise meaningful quotes
75. Write 4 works of fiction that I am proud of (0/4)


76. Go fishing
77. Go camping
78. Drive to the middle of nowhere to look at stars
79. Watch the sun rise and set in the same day
80. Go scuba diving
81. Hike up a mountain


82. Wear a moustache for a full day
83. Make a wish at 11:11 on 11/11/11
84. Flesh out a full and comprehensive Zombie Apocalypse plan for Chicago residence
85. Make a mix CD and leave it somewhere for someone random to find
86. Play laser tag
87. Leave a huge tip for a waiter/waitress (at least 60% of the bill)
88. Sing at a karaoke bar
89. Pay for a stranger’s meal or drink


90. Do not watch TV for 24 (pre-decided) hours 5 times (0/5)
91. Do not go online for 24 (pre-decided) hours 5 times (0/5)
92. Add information to 5 Wikipedia articles (0/5)
93. Turn off cell phone for an entire 24-hour period

94. Get through 50% of this list
95. Get through 75% of this list
96. Donate $3 per every goal not met
97. Set aside $5 per every goal met for a future trip
98. Re-read the list every day
99. Blog about each goal reached, with progress reports
100.Write myself a letter to be opened at the end of the 1001 days
101.Make another 101 in 1001 list

I will tack little updates onto random posts here and there, and will use this original post as my "official list" until I do a full progress report in a month or three. If there is now a countdown timer thing somewhere on the right hand side of this page, then I've finally figured out how to imbed said bit of code on my page.

If anyone has any suggestions or want to help (like, say, paying for a trip somewhere...) or want to start one of your own, the comments box is always open. For now, I need to pack up to leave for Chicago/continue learning the chords of today's Nostalgia Music Monday song on my ukulele...

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Why, It's About 5 O'Clock, Why Do You Ask?

For millennia, facial hair has been celebrated as not only a practical face warmer, fashion statement, and distinguishing feature in police reports and romance novels alike, but also as a personal reflection of character. Sure, some males simply grow one to be "ironic" or to stand out, but those aren't the true men of the fuzz. Here on Soft Nonsense, I've decided to break down the different types of beards, mustaches, etc for not only your viewing and reading pleasure, but also for your education and (in some cases) warning. I will not be covering the generic "beard," "moustache," "goatee," or "sideburns, "as they are all too widespread and general to be truly classified. Instead, I shall hone in on a few, clearly distinguishable styles.


The Handlebar
Also known as: The Fancypants, The Waxy 'Stache, The Curly Q, The "MMMMINDEED"

One of the more iconic styles of facial hair, generally rocked only by those over 50, college kids who think they're cool, or 1970's relief pitchers. Automatically gives wearer increased credibility on whatever they're talking about, an air of classiness as well as wealthiness (with a smidge of eccentricity), and a much higher degree of hilarity. Possible supervilliany is also approximately doubled in likelihood.

Examples: Snidely Whiplash, Rollie Fingers, Salvador Dali, Mario


The Soul Patch
Also known as: The Douche Spot, The Beatnick Beard, Flava Sava

Originally popularized by jazz musicians, this style has been adopted near-universally by douches all over the country, if not world. Seems to make the statement "I'm too cool and hip to be bothered to shave ALL of my face." If paired with shaved head, combines powers to become the Super Douche, whose mighty douche powers include a heightened sense of self-importance, a tightening of their "Tap-Out" t-shirts, and the random appearance of unreadable tribal writing on the skin.

Examples: Howie Mandell, stereotypical beret'd poets, That One Guy (you know who I'm talking about)


The Five O'Clock Shadow
Also known as: The Badass, The Heartthrob, The "I'm Too Damn Busy To Shave," The Shmeh

This beard is sometimes the hardest to classify. In the entertainment business, the Shadow often designates a hardcore action hero or "tough boy" romantic interest. In real life, however, it's often a tell-tale sign of someone who simply doesn't have the drive to take five minutes to shave his face (this guy). But don't kid yourselves ladies: you know that, for whatever reason, a man looking fine with some bristle is worth the tickle.

Examples: Indiana Jones (and most Harrison Ford roles), David Beckham, George Clooney, that sexy musician that you would totally have a love child with without divulging his secret publicly


The Pencil
Also Known As: The Pedo, The Creeper

A facial configuration that has, thankfully, fallen out of vogue slowly but steadily for the last few decades in all but the most devoted NAMBLA members. He could, potentially, be a smooth operator with just enough sexual machismo to pull off even the most ridiculous of facial hair choices, or at best someone goofy enough to not care (see: The Handlebar). But for your own good, if a man approaches you sporting this 'stache variation, back away slowly. Just don't turn your back on him.

Examples: Erol Flynn, Westley from Princess Bride (sorry, 80's/90's kids), John Waters, seemingly every movie star from the 1950's, that neighbor whose waking sleep cycle seems to operate from 11pm to 10am, then again at 4pm to 4:15pm for a nude walk through his home


The Rap Industry Standard
Also Known As: The Kanye, Poser Goat

If you've seen any music videos (those moving picture songs you find on YouTube), you've likely seen this bad boy a few dozen times. This shallow goatee/chinstrap combo is the preferred grooming style of a number of artists, actors, and douches for all races has taken popular culture by storm. Can it be to hip hop what the goatee/sideburn combo was to country music? Only time will tell (though it is at least what the Trash 'Stache is to Pedro).

Examples: The Grammy's


The Fu Manchu
Also Known As: The Hogan, The Sensei

The common denominator of those who decide upon The Fu Man (or, conversely, the FU, Man!) is that they are - or fancy themselves to be - a Badass (capital B). As likely as it is that it is not the case, the 5% of the time that they are, in fact, as badass as their facial hair claims they are will make you rue the day you fucked with the Fu Man.

Examples: Worf, Toki Wartooth, the majority of the Hell's Angels, Ra's al Ghul, Fu Manchu, Christopher Lee (while playing Fu Manchu), that one guy from Kill Bill 2, Ming the Merciless, the 'roided out douchebag at the gym


The Toothbrush
Also Known As: The Hitler

Maybe he's a Charlie Chaplain enthusiast. But probably not.

Examples: Hitler. And also Hitler. Probably Brad Pitt once. But mostly Hitler.


Mutton Chops
Also Known As: The Scot, The Wild Dog, The Fan, The Van Buren

A style that can be traced back centuries was long the signifier of class and status now generally signifies drunken men from the British Isles (and I'll let you decide which is better). Legend has it that the longer the hair is and the more parallel (paralleler?) it is to the ground, the more ki power the wearer can wield. Moustache attachment optional.

Examples: Sabretooth, that one guy from your history textbook who said something about the Supreme Court or something, soccer hooligans


The Federation Standard
Also Known As: The Spock, the Cosplay

This pointy/swoopy sideburn variation is popular to a very small demographic of facial hair enthusiasts. For you ladies, those who rock it are a special breed: namely huge nerdwads with no lives. If you see this, stay away. Or jump on his sweet, sweet nerd bod and get it on with him to the sound of the Firefly theme song stuck on repeat.

Examples: Vulcans, my next Halloween costume


And yes, Shannon, this was the facial hair post I promised you back in, like, April.