Monday, January 3, 2011


I am currently on (yet another) family vacation to Hawaii (man - getting so old sitting in the sun on a cloudless, 80-degree day), and just came back from cashing in one of my Christmas gifts: a massage. And, because I'm, well, me, instead of appreciating the quiet calming ocean sounds and being calm and collected while a midget Hawaiian man beat his fists into me, I did what any logical human with a penis is oft to do, and thought about sex.

So here, for your reading pleasure, is

14 Reasons Why Getting a Massage is Like Having Rough, Possibly Bondage-Related Intercourse*

1. Lots of lube required, often (but not completely) in non-traditionally sexual ways.
2. Some hair and limb pulling needed to get into the best position.
3. An enduring sense that
4. Never being quite sure whether you've taken too much clothing off or not enough.
5. Special outfits to wear.
6. Light, but firm, grabbing of the neck is required.
7. Following all instructions, including laying with your head buried in a pillow, is a must. However, if things get too intense, you need to speak up, or things might go downhill quick.
8. Frankly, sometimes rougher = better.
9. Usually some kind of knot is involved.
10. Blindfolding sometimes helps set the mood.
11. A refrain of "just relax" of repeated...often.
12. Showering afterwards isn't required, but strongly encouraged.
13. Amateurs are pretty good, but sometimes you just need a professional to rub you the right way.
14. You know when you hear "deep-tissue," a jolt of exhilaration as wella s a small bit of fear should shoot up your spine.

Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling as mind-blowingly creative as usual when I came up with the title, so prize goes to whoever can come up with a better (read: more deviant) one.

*I assume. Because hey, I'm not a huge fan of leather, and a pair of handcuffs, some whipped cream, a gag, and a small Yorkshire Terrier hardly count as BDSM.

And for this week's Nostalgic Music Monday:


Pat Tillett said...

That was pretty funny! Hmmm, a title!
How about.....

"The Happy Ending!"

Eleni said...

Mmmm, I need a massage. I heard there was a lot of rain last week. At least in Honolulu.

The Shanner of Attention said...

Pat Tillet with the win. Happy Ending would have been a perfect title! Hahahahahaha.

Penny Lane said...

Sounds like you had quite the rem, relaxing encounter. I hate getting messages, I hate people i don't know touching me. Yucky.

As for this post, well this I like. Very solid comparison.

how about " Subliminal Massage" ....... Get it

Tabs A. Geek said...

I actually can't stand getting professional massages. I had one once, and it was a great massage, but I was so stressed out and nervous throughout the whole thing I barely enjoyed it, and left almost more stressed.

I don't do taking off my clothes well, and even though you have the bed to you know, cover you, and I was still in my bra and undies... it was too much for me. *sigh*

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