Friday, November 26, 2010

Greatest/Most Horrifying News Short of the Zombie Apocalypse

Now, I know this is supposed to be a Greece post.

I'd say I'm sorry, but this is fucking important.

I don't know how to tell you this, and I don't relish the fact that it is me who is breaking the news to you. What you are about to hear is equal parts heart-stoppingly terrifying and pulse-quickening(ly?) exciting*. Prepare yourselves accordingly.

*Meaning, I believe, that it keeps your pulse normal. Or explodes your chest cavity. Dammit Jim, I'm a history major, not a doctor!

Fossil Found of Super T Rex in Mexico

Sweet Jesus. Okay, already, the 6 year old in all of you should be excited. Everyone knows the Tyrannosaurus Rex is easily the most badass dinosaur of all time. Saw what you will about whatever your favorite is (I'm a velociraptor man myself), but the T-Rex is still the fucking tyrant lizard. Read on:

Throw away all of your pre conceptions about the Tyrannosaurus Rex; all of those images stuck forever in your head from Jurrasic Park. Long considered the most dominant animal to ever walk the face of the earth, the fossilized remains of a predator that dwarfed the T Rex have been found in what was once tar pits in southern Mexico.

The newly discovered and remarkably preserved remains have yet to be named; ‘Super T Rex’ is simply the monniker attached at the current time.
The dimensions are nothing short of mind boggling; While Tyrannosaurus ran 40 feet in length, 15 feet in height, and 7 tons, the Super T rex nearly doubled it. The specimen is estimated to have been 62 feet long, and stood just over 20 feet above the ground.

Okay. We knew about how awesome the idea was already, all that was was give us the numbers to back up our level of excitement. 62 feet long? 20 feet above the ground??? Teeth likely the size of small minivans??!!! And found in a tar pit? That's about the sweetest way to find anything old, and you know it.

But gets scary.

But the size of the specimen isn’t even the most remarkable aspect; what has scientists world wide in a frenzy is the fact that there are actual soft tissue samples that have been preserved by the unique properties of the tar in which the animal was captured.

...Ex-squeeze me?*

*Baking powder?

Not only was there the skeleton of a giant ass ultra tyrant dinosaur, bringer of pubescent wet dreams and nightmares alike, but you're saying that there was meat of this thing leftover?!

Heavy, man.

The doors this discovery opens are remarkable; it is entirely possible at this point that a Jurassic Park like scenario in which DNA is extracted could now occur.

No. No no no. No no NO NO.

And yet yes. Sweet jesus yes.

Do you realize what this means?

Not only do we get to realize the beautiful vision laid forth by Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Crichton, but we get to realize it via the biggest, hardest, most undeniably badass lizard ever known. This thing likely ate pre-historic whales for sushi and shat out Ankylosaurus(es?). After a meal, it probably roundhouse kicked a fern and used it as a toothpick.

This dinosaur looked at a normal, pathetically-sized T-Rex and called it a bitch.

The only reason the asteroid hit the Earth millions of years ago was because this obviously angry son of a lizard was taking a tar pit bath, likely romancing a pair of duck-bills*.

*They gave great head.

Get it?

Don't worry, he was probably going to eat the shit out of them immediately afterwards.

Now, science took a lot away from us 90s kids the last few years (Pluto and dinosaurs brontosaurus and possibly the triceratops). They owe us a sweet dinosaur role model or two.

But even more than a sure-fire future ruled by mega dinosaurs, think about this:

In naught but a few years, you all could finally realize your dream of meeting me, your internet hero, over an ultra T-Rex burger.

That's right: dinosaur steaks. Eggs. Rex rinds. Tyrannosaur pate.

And that's not all. For the ladies: T-Rex skin purses strike your fancy? How about some sweet shoes?

But did Jeff Goldblum teach us nothing? Or that one guy who played Newman from Seinfeld? How many times does Samuel L. Jackson need to ask us to get these %&$#*ing dinosaurs out of his %$#@ing science research facility?

We must be careful. We should be scared.

But God should we be excited.

Photos of the skeleton will come out sometime in December.

Be ready: there will be follow-ups.


Story care of


Pat Tillett said...

Scary and exciting at the same time.
Leave it to "man" to do something stupid with it...(I hope)

Chunky Knubby Navel said...

I'm bored. I could use an island of dinosaurs.


soft nonsense said...

Pat - Yes. Deliciously, wonderfully stupid.

CKN/Whitney - All we need is for a similarly bored, rich, white guy to come along and we're set.

Eleni said...

Wow, and this after we learned about a new "beefy version" of the Velociraptor this past summer. The dinos just get scarier and scarier.

A Jurassic Park is such a great terrible idea. Mmm, dinosaur steaks. Sadly, they'd probably be really expensive.

The Shanner of Attention said...

Just read this entire post aloud to the husband. We are both excited for this to go down. I'm thinking we can make them friendly and use them as a form of transportation. Hell, the Flintstones proved it's possible.

Hey! Look Behind You! said...

That's more exciting than it is scary...till you know, I'm face to teeth with a T-Rex then I'll soil myself but till then...AWESOME!

Penny Lane said...

I want in on the action, I love Jurassic Park.

Peace and Love,

soft nonsense said...

Eleni - During the first few years, yes. But once it becomes popular (with safe breeding habits, I"m sure), every Old MacDonald will want in on it, driving the price down. Which reminds me: think of the potential toy lines McDonald's could have! A McRex would sure hit the spot...

Shanner - Really, being read aloud is pretty much the highest compliment a blogger can get. Also, I think that if one were to be allowed to ride a mega dino, one would have to do so via a giant harness, stand on its head, and be forced to wear a loincloth and spear.

Hey! - And isn't that why its the best thing ever?

Penny Lane - Which is the best part: soon, everyone will be. Whether they like it or not.

Megs said...


Except...I keep wondering: did it also have the useless little arm appendages? Because those kind of always made it hard for me to take the T Rex very seriously.

Tabs A. Geek said...

The nine year old girl in me is both wraught with excitement, and screaming in terror.

That is frigging awesome.

I wonder what a T-rex steak would taste like? It would probably kick the ass of beef steak.

Mmmm. Steak.

Damnit! Now I want some.

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