Tuesday, August 17, 2010

My New Daddies?

For today's post, I'd like to offer a brief, yet heartfelt plea not for deliverance, but instead for a better life.

"What's that Softy?" I hear you ask. "You've demonstrated time and time again that your life is at its lowest usually pretty solid, and at its best mind-meltingly legen.....wait for it.....dary? What could you possibly want to change so badly?"

Well, dear concerned readers, not much.

Except for everything.

Because you see a bit of celebrity news hit me this morning. On my way to work yesterday (which was cancelled), I grabbed a free Red Eye newspaper as I walked past, intending on doing the crossword later. There, on the back of the paper with blather about Hilary Duff getting married and some nonsense about Snookie, read the story that would change what I want in life forever...


Neil Patrick Harris and his longtime partner, chef and actor David Burtka, are going to be parents. 'So, get this: David and I are expecting twins this fall.,' Harris tweeted Saturday. 'We're super excited/nervous/thrilled.' Eonline.com says the couple;s children are due via surrogate in October. Cutest dads ever!"


Dear Neil and David,

Of all the Hollywood couples out there (the Brangelinas, the TomKats, Billary, Spederline, Tamantha - Tom Hanks and Samantha Lewes, OBVI), you two are one of my favorites (David Patrick Burtkis). When I found out about your impending adoption of twins later this fall, I was overjoyed that two of the most deserving men in showbiz would get a chance to rear children.

David, I'll start with you: you began first as a (rather unsuccessful) actor, with your major roles coming as a first-name-only intern for one episode of the West Wing in 2002 and as Scooter on How I Met Your Mother (a spot you, well, more than kind of got because you were going out with Neil). Which is still respectable: you gave it your all and did what you loved, even when that big break didn't come. But even more respectably, you found another thing you loved, cooking, and turned THAT into your life. Now you're an acclaimed chef (everyone loves a daddy who can cook!) and supporting your significant other during his own stint as a semi-successful actor. That willingness to try new things and still succeed would be a good role model for any child.

Neil, I was too young to see your greatness as Doogie Howser, MD, but fell in love with you through Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog and How I Met Your Mother (with, admittedly, a little Harold and Kumar and Starship Troopers sprinkled in). You are even my #2 on my "Man Five," a list of male celebrities that I would A) Go gay for in a heartbeat and B) Would expect any significant other of mine to understand my decision either to sleep with and/or begin a relationship with said member of the Man Five without a pause. You are hilarious, charming, and seemingly just a quality human being. Your joy for your craft and for your life (undoubtedly) inspire those who have met you (though I have not).

And so it gladdens me to see that two quality people such as yourselves (no matter what anyone says on the issue of homosexuality etc.) are taking the responsibility of caring for a pair of lives in this crazy world. But why stop there?

Laugh all you will at them, Hollywood's number one power couple right now is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Not only are they a very talented pair of people (much like yourselves), both ridiculously good-looking (ditto on you:)

But they have also adopted children of their own, and done so with such gusto that they have become almost famous for it. Their philanthropy and caring hearts have shown that adopting is a healthy, normal, and encouragable thing to do. My own siblings were adopted, in fact (though no influence by Brangelina, just for the record), so I respect your decision more than most. So I call upon the both of you to not only set an example for the rest of the gay community, but for the rest of the world.

Now, am I suggesting that you start adopting babies teenage girls hoard Jonas Brothers paraphernalia? Of course not. But you need to make a statement. One bold, sweeping adoption that would change the way people look at homosexual adoption forever.

Neil and David, I invite you to make me your adopted gay love baby.

Now hear me out. I know the whole "wanting a piece of NPH's sexy Doogie Booty" thing I have going on might be a little awkward. But don't worry, I'm sure that as soon as I begin to look at him as a father (mother?) figure, that attraction will turn into admiration of beauty, like people who have MILFs. In addition, it would set a precedent. People always want cute, adorable, newborn babies when they are adopting, just like people want fresh-faced puppies when they go to the pet store. But by adopting a 20-year-old college student, you will say to the world, "Children of all ages need love and guidance!"

And then I'll move in with you (just for the breaks and whatnot, nothing drastic), and you'll teach me how to cook and how to suit up and the difference between a blucher and oxford shoe.

Don't get me wrong, New Daddies, I love my family. And I shall think of them fondly as you introduce me to the entire casts of How I Met Your Mother and Top Chef Masters and teach me magic tricks.

And I'd be the best son. I know that I could learn so much from you two, and I think that you could learn from me as well. I hold you both in such high regard, and can tell how deeply you two are in love. We already have so much in common (I love movies, am easily fooled by magic, and eat). I can even help raise my new baby brother and sister! I already do lots of things that might make you proud, like volunteer at my school's radio station and work for our newspaper and express myself creatively through my writing and volunteering. And with your guidance (and actor/chef salaries), you would open new doors for me that I never dreamed possible (like a pool-sized jacuzzi in my room...or a general sense of fashion beyond hoodies).

So please, do what's best for everyone. Reach out into the world and pluck a new ward like a pair of fabulous Batmen to mold into your image.

...But only if I can be your spandex-wearing Robin.

Love and Hopefully Yours (Pending the Paperwork),
Soft Nonsense

(But my Daddies can call me Softy!)


Ambiguous Geek said...

Haha that is the cutest letter I have read. If I were them, I would definitely adopt you.

Eleni said...

NPH is so totally awesome. So talented and hilarious in everything I've seen him in, plus in interviews (and a couple game shows I've seen him on) he seems like a great person. I really admire him for making such a graceful transition from child star into grown-up star. He'll make a great dad. And I don't know anything about his partner, but if Neil loves him, me must be great too. I am very happy to hear their exciting news.

soft nonsense said...

Ambiguous - All I'm asking for is a fair shot.

Eleni - So was I, but for entirely self-serving reasons.

Charley Quinn said...

please tell me you mailed this. you can't just sit on this, it needs to find Neil. and btw that magic trick was hilarious, thanks for the link.

soft nonsense said...

CQ - Not yet I haven't, but I don't have your semi-anonymous e-mail-sending cajones...

Sadako said...

I would adopt you, too! :) Aww.

Amber said...

What would be cool is if I could somehow adopt Neil Patrick Harris after he adopted you. I'd be your grandma and we'd all be one big happy familia.

soft nonsense said...

Sadako - Well if you'd adopt me, I don't see how David Patrick Burtkis could say no.

Amber - Not only would that be cool, but it would also be the best thing ever. Mostly so I could actually hear from you from time to time, nagging me about how I never call or comment on your blog or some such.

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