Monday, August 2, 2010

The Best Worst Movie

In the seven* months I've been writing this blog, it's been a lot of things. Personal tribulations, self-exploration, occasionally news reactions, and nerdy news and culture. Okay, almost entirely nerdy stuff.

*Holy shit, seven??

I've touched on pretty much every part of my geekery, but one of the most underrepresented aspects of my nerd-dom is my intense love of bad movies. Like burns with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns love. Sometimes, I would almost watch a horrible movie that I can laugh at with my friends than an award-winning (yet often depressing) film of much high cultural value. There's just something....hilarious about seeing a movie where everything is so painstakingly wrong, despite the best intentions and legitimate effort of all those involved.

And in my years, I've seen a slew of, quite frankly, shitty movies. In fact, my coworkers and I have even organized viewing parties to such fare (almost universally coinciding with drinking games, which are always fun for sober people such as myself and stories in and of themselves). Some favorites include Leprechaun in the Hood (a Leprechaun...in the hood...killin' fools...), Jolly Roger: Massacre At Cutter's Cove (undead pirate murderballs the descendants of his old crew), Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (giant animals murderball everything, including a god damn plane), Theodore Rex (Whoopi Goldberg in a buddy cop movie...with a T Rex....), Dead Snow (a Norwegian movie combining two of my favorite genres, Nazis and zombies...to create Nazi zombies...or zombie Nazis, your call - with lots of speed metal as background music), the meme-inspiring Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2, and Maximum Overdrive (machines killing the hell out of people).

But through it all, no movie has been able to really capture the god-awfulness of one towering inferno of flaming doggy-do on a doorstep quite like a little film called Troll 2.

To describe Troll 2 is to do it injustice. Like so many movies of its kind, it's perfect blend of nonsensical storyline, terrible acting, confusing directing, and terrible acting reach such disparaging levels that it can hardly be put into words. The basic outline of the story is that the Waits family goes on vacation to a small town named Nilbog, only to find the inhabitants very odd. No food in Nilbog appears to be normal, and their youngest son continues to see their recently deceased grandfather, who warns them about danger in the town. Soon it is discovered that the residents therein are actually vegetarian goblins (get it! Nilbog! Yucka yucka) who poison visitors' food to turn them into plans to eat.

Now, I can't go into all the great parts to this movie in full, but here are some highlights of both the movie and the production:

-An awkward popcorn-related sex scene.
-A little kid peeing on food so that his family won't eat it.
-The language barrier between the Italian director and writer and the hickish castmembers was so great that they only rarely understood one another (yes...it shows).
-Despite its name, Troll 2 has exactly zero trolls in it. It was named to piggyback off of the (apparently) popularity of the first Troll, yet had nothing to do with the plot of the original. Same with Troll 3.
-It was originally written by the director's wife because a number of her friends had become vegetarian and it pissed her off, so she wanted to write a story in which vegetarians were evil.
-No members of the cast ever got the full script at any point in the filming process.
-It has been voted the "Worst Movie Of All Time" on multiple lists.

But still, I can't really capture it without showing you the trailer:



And if that wasn't enough, here is one of the most famous moments of the movie, highlighting, well, pretty much Troll 2 in a nutshell.



*Note: Fly on the forehead doesn't effect glory of performance in the least.

Now, as much as I love sharing things like this with you, my loyal and lovely readers, it does have some topical value: last Friday I went to a double feature movie at Chicago's Music Box Theater showing Troll 2 and a documentary the actor who played the youngest son created called "The Best Worst Movie," which showed what all the cast members did now, how crazy some of them had become, and explored how and why Troll 2 suddenly arose to cult classic status. It was an oddly poignant and deep movie, good for even those who had never seen the movie it revolved around. We were even treated to a guest appearance by a producer of the doc as well as George Hardy, the father (now a dentist). Trailer:



So moral of the story: if you enjoy camp, bad (not gory) horror movies, or have a pressing desire to get shwasty-faced (again, I don't partake, but I hear that's what these crazy kids are calling it nowadays) and need an excuse, be sure to check out Troll 2. Better yet, check it out with a bunch of friends. Or better yet, in a giant movie theater with a hundred other fans.

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Weekly playlist (a few days late...)

Wolfmother - Vagabond
Think About Life - Set You On Fire
Tokyo Police Club - Favourite Colour
Dogs Die in Hot Cars - Paul Newman's Eyes
BOAT - We Want It! We Want It!
These United States - Water & Wheat
Menomena - TAOS
The Constellations - Perfect Day*
The Henry Clay People - Your Famous Friends
Stanley Ross - Here With Me
Sia - Clap Your Hands
The Minor Leagues - Projection of a Person
Adam Green - What Makes Him Act So Bad
22-20s - Talk to Me


*Quick sidenote: I originally grabbed this CD with the intent of playing another song off of the album, 'Felicia.' However, that was before realizing that the song was definitely an ode to a woman who was skilled in the field of using one's mouth in the carnal persuasion. Knowing the FCC looks down upon such lewd acts, I decided against it.

Instead, for you non-judgemental and, let's face it, rather corrupted listening and viewing pleasure, is 'Felicia,' complete with lyrics!

4 comments:

Pat Tillett said...

Thanks for the review! that move sounds disgusting and totally stupid...

Of course, I'm going to have to see it...

Sadako said...

This sounds ridiculously bad. It must be seen and made into a drinking game.

soft nonsense said...

Pat - I like to think that my readers are those who say the exact same thing.

Sadako - Just be sure to be semi sober enough to see the end of. It's pretty epic....I'd spoil it now, but I don't want to take away the glorious and terrible surprise.

Charley Quinn said...

omg thank you for those movie links. whoopi goldberg and a t-rex fighting crime... HA! it actually reminds me of the south park ep in which cartman visits the idea-starved movie executives in hollywood and pitches 500 plus ideas, half of which star adam sandler. i had no idea you were such a b-rated movie buff, i am rather jealous.

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