Friday, May 14, 2010

The Triumphant Return: An Unfinished Promise

No, please. PLEASE. You're too kind. No, really, please, all this digital applause and raucous internets cheering is just too much. No really! I have to start the post now.

Well okay, you can keep going as you read.

After nine days of near inactivity here at soft nonsense, I've finally finished all of my papers, my finals, and the exhaustive task of moving into a new apartment; finally caught up on a little bit of sleep and all of the old blog posts I'd missed; drove all the way from Chicago to Kansas City with only my iPod, an overly punny mother, and a grumpy younger brother to keep me entertained; finished my extensive stack of comic books as well as a book called American Shaolin about a guy who takes a year off of college and learns kung fu in China (if only...); and watched Iron Man 2, a couple episodes of Star Trek: Enterprise, and most of Pleasantville. Now, as I sit here in the kitchen of my Kansas City familial home wishing there were more cinnamon rolls, I know now that I am ready.

In summary, to quote the fantastic Tom Hanks once said in the movie Forrest Gump:

I'm back, bitches.*

*There is no evidence Tom Hanks has ever said the word "bitches," either in the derogatory term for women, descriptions of those you are not fond of, use to describe cowards, or in the way Riley uses the term to describe his Grandfather as Robert "Bitches" Freeman. Though the image of Tom Hanks reppin' the thug life is interesting, as captured by this Photoshop mess:

I inadvertently chose a headshot that would make Tom Hanks look less like a pimp and more like a velvet-clad child molester, but so be it.

And so, to commemorate my glorious first post of the summer, I give you (as pledged, like...a month ago):


Like most children, I was born. As I entered the world, I found companionship under the cuddle hoof of one Mr. Moo Cow, who to this day can be made to play "Catch a Falling Star." I can hear your aww's from here.

I was always a complex child, full of wonder, always questioning the world. Or at least I hope that's what my face is saying in this picture:

And my parents...oh my parents...Those lovely people were always looking out for me, including giving me the best airbag diapers money could buy.

Seriously, that thing could probably cushion me from a good 10-foot drop, which was convenient because my parents were/are intimate friends with a tribe of Bornean natives affected (effected?) with Humongous Gigantus. Which is totally a medical term.

They taught me all the skills I would need to survive in the world, including the ability to close my eyes during pictures:

As well as how to drive a fort/tractor while simultaneously wearing disturbingly-patterned 90s shorts.

Both skills that I proudly use to this day.

They even took me to meet famous people, like Babe Ruth robots.

Sidenote: this picture was totally on the FRONT COVER of the KC Star's sports section the next day. The photographer recognized the budding greatness.

Soon, I grew into a fine young man. The in-between I will not show you, not only because I don't have pictures of the era on my computer, but also because I was Fatty McChubberson in said time frame, and bear a strong resemblance to the child Santa Clause and the Michelin Man would co-sire.

I eventually became interested in exctracurriculars such as acting,

Here I am, pictured in 7th grade as one of my finest roles as a thespian, that of Pierre Poitier, a temperamental French director who's basic role was to run around and insult people. I was very good at it (including insulting a small child in the audience), despite the fact that I only got the role because my teacher forgot to cast me in a no-cuts show. So, he had to make up a role for me. C'est la vie.


What you can't see in this picture is that, after a mighty swing with me and my siblings' kiddie golf clubs, the ball was still resting at my feet.

And cross-dressing,

(Lots of cross-dressing, apparently)

And now, here I am, only a lowly blogger with a wonderful girlfriend, trying to stay warm in Chicago, and riding the ride that is life.

Woo indeed.


The Illustrious D said...



He's back! Welcome back sir.... We've saved your table....

soft nonsense said...

@D - Already responded on yo blog. Ho.

@ABAO - And I see you already ordered without me :/

Pat Tillett said...

I was wondering what happened to my boa...
Did Mr. Moo Cow make the recent move with you?

pretty darn cute kid...

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