Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Roommate Memories Pt. 2 (The E-mail)

So my post today was going to be about celebrating Star Wars Day (May the Fourth be with you), but then my ex-roommate (the one featured in "The Disappearance") sent me a forwarded e-mail.

Now, for those of you who don't remember, my ex-roommate is rather impulsive, and has a long and proven history of subversion. Once he decided to transfer away from Loyola last year, he began a terrorist campaign the likes of which would put anyone named "John" on a national no-fly list had he directed it toward even an aid to an aid of a low level government official. He went to extreme lengths to extend his grand-scale harassment, generally carried out via e-mail. He even created a fake e-mail account via a proxy server via his out-of-state friend while said friend was in Mexico*.

*And if you didn't understand any of that, then good. That was kind of the point.

His greatest triumph to date was a long e-mail correspondence with our Residence Hall Graduate Supervisor, culminating with a picture of the supervisor photoshopped into the middle of "Goatsie."* He still occasionally dabbles, especially because he still apparently

*I won't link to what Goatsie is, nor describe it, nor particularly recommend you looking it up, even if it's to prove the point of my roommate's deviousness. It is one of the grosser things out there. I'm also aware that I likely just piqued most of your interests because of my disgust and trepidation. You've been warned.

But the e-mail he sent to me, the rest of my roommates, and a sorority, might just rival it.

From: "John Bertinet"
To:
Date: Tue, 04 May 2010 14:37:35 -0500
Subject: Dear Kappas

Dear Kappas,

Let me begin by saying this has been long overdue. I have appreciated
your organization for a full year and a half now. I am an undergraduate
student enrolled at Loyola University- Chicago, and the student body of
which I am a part has been fortunate enough to be graced by your
organization. While a Greek presence is limited, your Loyola chapter
makes that much more of an effort to solicit smiles and sunshine to all
of us residing in Roger's Park. I can stand back no longer; I must join
your ranks.

Now, you may have noticed the small detail of my name. It is John, and
yes, I am a man.

But if you would lend me your time for but a moment I feel I can make a
compelling case for myself and at the very least be considered. After
all, we are not so different.

I'll get right into it.
I like to party.
And I know how the Kappas are famous for social events of all types. Ask
anyone on my campus- they know that if a party doesn't have the Kappa
sorority involved in some way, it is fated to be sub-par. I am confident
that I would be able to add to the KKG's impressive legacy. Of course, I
would never be so ignorant as to think that to be a Kappa would
necessitate that one parties. But I think it goes without saying that
one of this sorority's strongest assets is its ability to throw a rager,
whilst maintaining the class and dignity of the contemporary woman. To
give you a sense of what I would offer your institution, let me tell
give you a short description of one of my finest moments.

I was invited to a friend's wedding and attended in the company of
several other mutual friends. Following the exchange of vows and rings,
all of us in attendance congregated in a beautiful, silk and linen
adorned open-air tent for the reception. The man of the hour and his
stunning bride made their rounds to greet their guests. Noticing they
were on the opposite side of the space from me, I knew that I had some
time before they made their way to me. My friends and I thought that
would be a good time to take advantage of the open bar. We did so, and
before long we were all rather inebriated. Remembering we were only
there to await our friend and his newly-anointed wife, we looked up to
locate them. Seeing they were still a long way off, we continued to
consume gin and tonics. This is the point of the story where my memory
becomes very hazy. The next thing I remember is seeing the bride and
groom looking at me with a puzzled look on their face. As I recall, the
only words I could muster were Arkansas, crucifixion, and prostate. The
looks of confusion quickly became those of grave concern. As the two of
them advanced towards me to guide me to a quiet place where I could
sober up, all the gin and tonics made themselves known. Projectile vomit
pumped out of me then like a fire hose, saturating my friend's wife's
angelic, draping wedding dress with hard evidence of my 0.29 Blood
Alcohol Content. My friend, reacting as quickly as he could, dove to
shield his bride from the spray of stomach bile coursing through the
entire opening of my mouth. In doing so, he slipped on the ground which
was now lubricated with a $35 bar tab and broke his femur. With my
friend laying on the ground in agony and his wife crying hysterically
over her destroyed wedding dress, I did what any socialite would do: I
reached into my front pocket, pulled out my white satin handkerchief,
and held it out to my two suffering friends.

You should be pleased to know I share your view on personal hygiene. I
shower AT LEAST once a week and have been known to brush my teeth twice
in the same day (forgive me, I am a bit obsessive ;) ). Certainly, in an
organization that has never been home to a male resident, the atmosphere
and infrastructure would be expectably feminine-leaning. It is
completely understandable for you to question how a male could ever
become assimilated into such an environment. Not to worry. I played
hockey back in the day and am quite comfortable doubling up on the
stalls. Being women who pride themselves in serving others in their
community, this should come as second-nature to you, as well. Speaking
of serving the community, how far does your creed extend? Because I have
some far-reaching needs, governed primarily by my nether regions.

Lastly, but in no way less important, is the subject of appearance. For
better or worse, Kappas have a reputation for "attracting the
attractive". This prejudice is as pervasive on my own campus as any. I
am proud to tell you that for me, nothing comes before appearance. In
fact, I have taken it upon myself to study the essence of beauty and
have even made some breakthroughs in the field. My diligence has lead me
to find that there are three focal points on a person's face wherein
that person is deemed attractive or not. They are the skin, eyes, and
teeth. This discovery may seem small but in actuality it is much more
significant than most realize at first. Knowledge is power and if we
understand how we determine beauty, we can take the measures necessary
to make ourselves attractive. I have developed a near-perfect system
based on my findings. To get my skin lustrous, I apply a Ukrainian
cleansing lotion to my face before turning in each night. However, I do
not use it for its intended purpose. You see, I have a fierce allergic
reaction to it and it causes my skin to peel away in sheets, leaving me
with a new supple and radiant layer of flesh. Unfortunately, FDA
opposition to its importation has proven quite adversarial, and that
particular brand has been difficult to obtain. In order to accentuate my
eyes, I have found the best way is by confining myself to my bedroom in
total darkness for no less than 15 hours. When I come out, not even a
sliver of white remains; my pupils have grown to immense proportions and
give my eyes more depth than I ever thought possible. Lastly, healthy
teeth are a feature that does not go unnoticed. Unfortunately, brushing
can only go so far. By chewing dense foods, your teeth grow stronger and
whiter. I have learned through experience that many of the dense foods
are also high in fiber, further promoting wellness. This system is not
without its faults, however, as I have recently been diagnosed with an
unidentifiable type of cancer, cataracts, and bowels that could rip
through the hull of a ship. I've been in contact with the Navy.

On that note, I apologize for taking up your time. Again, if you would
please consider me to be your first male member, you would not regret
it. I just know in my heart of hearts that my unique talents would be
best served under the Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority.

Best, John Paul Bertinet


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Radio:

Arcade Fire - Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)
The Magnetic Fields - You Must Be Out Of Your Mind
The XX - VCR
La Strada - The Traveler
Freelance Whales - Generator^First Floor
Arctic Monkeys - Fluorescent Adolescent
Vampire Weekend - Cousins
MGMT - Song for Dan Treacy
Spoon - The Underdog
Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea
The Apples in Stereo - Dream About the Future
Phoenix - Lisztomania
Portugal. The Man - The Dead Dog
Weezer - (If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To
Catch 22 - Walking Away


------

Yesterday's Nostalgic Music Monday Make-Up:

One of my all-time favorite old guilty pleasures (that I've certainly worked into the occasional radio set list....), a song that my father embarrassingly/kinda awesomely put on a mix CD in his car and still gets stuck in my head like I was in middle school all over again.*

*Which would totally blow.

4 comments:

Pat Tillett said...

Too many great lines to comment on, but "he slipped on the ground which was now lubricated with a $35 bar tab and broke his femur"
....is hilarious!

sounds like something you would write! But either way, funny as hell!

Charley Quinn said...

Nobody can write a tribute page like you. Once the rights to my biography start fetching extravagant sums, I will hold out for you to take up the task.

And Stacy's Mom just doesnt seem so long ago. But it is. Which is frightening.

soft nonsense said...

@Pat - lol most certainly wasn't me, I currently don't have the brain power to come up with such things thanks to finals. Glad you enjoyed it nonetheless!

@CQ - Sir....you know not the honour you bestow upon me.

Amber said...

Your ex-roommate should try submitting something to mcsweeneys.net.

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