Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The NFL Draft Drinking Game

First of all, it appears the populous has spoken. Last post, I asked people to comment and vote on how I should commemorate my 50th post, and the consensus seems to have been childhood pictures. Creeps. So I'll soon be sending an e-mail to Mother to get a few more adorable* pictures of my glorious childhood, so that should be coming soon.


But that's for another time.

I have a few rules here at SN. Keep people anonymous and unembarrassed unless I get permission (after all, this blog is far, far more entertaining to write when its filled with self-deprecation). Post a few times a week at least. No Facebook spamming (of this blog at least). Be genuine. Weekly Scott Pilgrim updates are required. Put in as much sexual innuendo, colorful language, and over-the-top story and word choices as possible. Use the blog as a way to procrastinate and complain about tiredness. No insinuation of a reader's mental state of being is subpar. The less racism the better.

General stuff.

But I have one other rule: don't post anything from the newspaper as a blog post. Not only do I recognize that most people probably don't want to read what I think about in the sports world, but I feel like it's a bit of a cop-out. I started this blog in part to explore my creativity, and if I'm just recycling material, I wouldn't be doing justice to myself, this blog, or my readers.

....That being said, I'm probably going to be posting two of them in the next week or so. Teehee!

I'll start with next week. I'm just about to call Spencer Walker from Cook to Bang for an interview for the paper (look, Ma, I'm a real journalist!). I cited him as one of my favorite bloggers in an older story I did for Girlfriend, so I sent him an e-mail to let him know he was being appreciated and whatnot. We got to talking, he mentioned he's coming out with a book in the next couple weeks and so a few exchanges and a manuscript later, I'm reviewing his new cook book. If you're not familiar with his work, jump to that website and get acquainted. It's funny shit. Or buy the book when it comes out. Or read the story I post next week. Preferably all of the above.

Second, for my column this week I decided to cover one of my favorite events in sports - the NFL Draft. I love the months of speculation leading up to it, the excitement, the hope, the disappointment, all that junk. So I decided to create my own mock draft (approximately the 590,490,234th created this year), and it turned out splendidly. I'd be more than happy to post it sometime or send you the link to it on the website.

However, I also realize that I'm likely in a minority. Not everyone likes sitting around for a couple hours while 32 teams take their full 15 minutes to decide who they want. I'll admit: it can get old pretty quick (I'm thinking for some it would be preferable to attempt to saw one's arm off with a house key). So keeping that in mind (along with the fact that my audience is largely a bunch of college students), I created a masterpiece: 100 Percent Awesome, Potentially Dangerous Alcohol-tastic NFL Draft Drinking Game.**

**DISCLAIMER: Soft Nonsense does not recommend playing this game in its entirety. Therefore, Soft Nonsense takes no responsibility for any health problems that may ensue if said game is not abridged for actual social drinking purposes. Also, Soft Nonsense in no way promotes underage drinking. Seriously.

I'm not actually a drinker (the stuff generally tastes pretty gross to my lame palate), but I figured my readers both here at school and on the blogosphere would enjoy it. So be sure to tune in on Thursday, crack open a cold one, and play along:


- There’s a cutaway to a team’s war room
- You hear “On the clock”
- Chris Berman comes up with a ridiculous nickname
- You see a commercial with boobs, beer or a Manning (Peyton, Eli or Archie)
- If two of three, drink twice
- If all three, drink three times
- If two Mannings plus one of the others, finish drink
- There is an awkward shot of an uncomfortable player who has to wait too long to get picked
- Chris Berman makes an awkward voice-over joke
- Jets or Eagles fans boo
- You can’t understand Shannon Sharpe (Note: may actually become easier as the game goes on)
- Lurz Blurbz’s mock draft is right
- Tim Tebow is drafted
- Another if described as “tremendous,” high-character, stand-up guy, leader, etc.
-Someone mentions the fact that Tom Brady was drafted in the sixth round
-The Raiders draft someone who is known more for athleticism or speed rather than actual talent
- Double if anyone in the viewing party says “Who?”
- Chris Berman uses his weird growling voice
- Double if phrase is “RAIDAHZZ”
- Mel Kiper has an in-depth analysis of a seventh-round pick that he can’t possibly know that much about …
- There is a cutaway that compares Mel Kiper and Todd McShay’s opinion
- A player from a college you’ve never heard of is drafted
- The word “guru” is used


Any time these are said about a prospect, take a drink:
- character issues
- best player available
- drafting for need
- tremendous upside
- physical specimen
- cannon
- workout warrior
- freak
**Double if said by Mel Kiper**


- Must raise cups during any human interest story
- Must stand any time it’s “your team” on the clock
- Must finish drink if anyone wonders aloud how Mel Kiper got his hair to stay like that
- Must bow mockingly whenever “Bill Belichick” is mentioned
- Must finish if there is a draft day trade for a player


Enjoy. Responsibly of course.

Oh yeah, almost forgot: As Heard On the Radio!

Gorillaz - Re-Hash
Mos Def - Quiet Dog Bite Hard
Passion Pit - The Reeling
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Beat the Devil's Tattoo
Matt & Kim - I'll Bring Us Home
Alice Donut - Lorelei & Henry
The Apples in Stereo - Dream About the Future
The Pixies - Where is My Mind?
Flight of the Conchords - The Most Beautiful Girl (In the Room)
Aloha - Searchlight
Modest Mouse - Ocean Breathes Salty
Dr. Dog - Shadow People
Feist - 1 2 3 4
Stanley Ross - Here With Me
The Salts - Broomstick Rock Star


Amber said...

My boyfriend is football obsessed and an alcoholic. I'm going to show this post to him. I'm sure he'll get a kick out of it.

soft nonsense said...

Glad someone did ;)


I proposed a challenge that everybody drink each time the mention the name 'Tim Tebow'.... Great post! I'm so behind on my reading.... lol

soft nonsense said...

ABAO - With the draft dramatics that went down that day, I don't know if your game or mine would have been more potentially dangerous to a participant's health...

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