Friday, March 12, 2010

The Twin Hawaiian Plagues

The Hawaiian island of Maui is known for its beautiful sandy beaches, clear blue water, wonderful food, and basic "heaven on earth" qualities.

Few would peg it for harboring two of the biggest threat known to man.

Its dense, tropical vegetation provides perfect cover for this terrifying twosome. They stalk through the thick brush, constantly looking for their next prey, constantly menacing both the local and tourist populations. Once tame creatures, they broke out of man's captivity and unleashed their animalistic fury into Maui's world.

You may have heard of these terrors before: scientists (and thrill-seekers such as myself) call them felis silvestris catus and gallus gallus domesticus.

Now through my experiences on the Hawaiian islands, I've encountered both of them on a number of occasions, and only barely escaped with my life each time. I managed to snap a few pictures before they pounced:

That's correct. Wild chickens and wild kitties. These poor, poor, Hawaiians.

Apparently a few hundred years ago, some chickens broke out of some foolish farmer's coop (presumably through the use of improvised explosives, MacGyver-style) and have been running wild, tearing up the town like they were Hell's Poultry. Which, incidentally, is the name of my new heavy death metal band. But that's beside the point. The cats, I assume, have a similar backstory, such as spawning from the pit of the underworld through the very magma that formed these islands, or involving themselves in a large-scale rebellion against the little old ladies across the state.

They creep around, constantly in search of their next meal (particularly next to picnic tables), always in large groups to intimidate its prey. Few can stand up to their cuddly yet fearsome appearance and demeanor. They are slowly, but surely, gaining control of the island. I give it a half a decade before they gain complete control of the island.

So let this be a warning to all mainlanders. If you see either of these two animals:

Then you should call authorities immediately. They will show you no remorse, and you should do the same. It may be too late to save this magical paradise, but it isn't too late to save the States. So do your American duty, and adopt any kittens and consume any chickens you may see on the mainland. If you don't, you will not only be sorry, but you'll have to learn catanese or bock-bock.

And let me tell you, those are tough languages to figure out.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Sounds like a good place for Colonel Sanders and Spike the Dog.

soft nonsense said...

The Colonel could set up a dozen franchises an island here....

Pat Tillett said...

I just stumbled upon your blog. You are too funny! If you don't mind, I'm going to tag along.
thanks and good job!

The Illustrious D said...

I know someone who has something to say on this subject:

Cat-onese chow mein = yum in (wait for it) the tum

soft nonsense said...

Love that blog. Cute animals need to be put in their place.

Eleni said...

Hahaha. There are tons of feral cats on the UH Manoa campus in Honolulu. Whenever I come across a large gathering of cats at night, I always expect them to burst into song and dance (I'm a bit of a musicals geek). I don't see chickens so much in the city, though I have seen them around.

soft nonsense said...

Hmmm. Eleni, I just commented on your 20sb account about how I just got back from Hawaii. Apparently you're well aware!

Guess that teaches me to check my e-mail shortsightedly!

And if you hadn't noticed by my Grease Youtube video earlier, so am I!

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