Friday, January 15, 2010

The Plan

I need to become a meme*, and here's why.

*For all those unfamiliar with the term, Wikipedia defines an Internet meme as "a catchphrase or concept that spreads rapidly from person to person via the Internet, largely through Internet-based email, blogs, forums, Internet-based social networking sites and Internet-based instant messaging. The term derives from the original concept of memes, although it has come to refer to a much more narrowly defined category of cultural information. Examples include Rickrolling, lolcats, "Leave Britney Alone", Keyboard Cat, and "All your base are belong to us." If those examples didn't tell you what you needed to know, then you're probably at the wrong blog.

I was watching the Food Network a few nights ago (one of my favorite channels, it's basically porn, minus the nudity but with all the appeal and lust, for college students) and Iron Chef came on. Now to me, the members of Iron Chef and Iron Chef America are practically royalty (or, I guess, porn stars, though I definitely won't be looking for pictures of Iron Chef Batali in anything but full chef's clothes holding a tray of food...).

As I watched my favorite Iron Chef, the always badass Masaharu Morimoto, make some of the craziest and most delicious-sounding dishes ever concocted, I realized that I now had a dream.

And no, it's not to one day look as awesome as ICMM.

I want, nay, NEED to get a spot as a guest judge on Iron Chef America.

There have been loads of celebrities who have guest judged before, including one of my favorites, Tina Fey (one of my favorite bloggers, Wolf G. Gnards, pretty much nailed how I and, I'd imagine, most of America feels about Liz Lem...er...Tina on his blog a little while ago). But realistically, to have a shot of getting on, you have to do one of two things:

1) Get it on with one of these two fine gentlemen.


And, let's face it, who wouldn't?

Or...

2) Become famous.

I'm not into the whole age-difference thing, so this is probably my best bet. Now, I need an appraisal of my skills to see what I can be famous at.

Skill A - Writing. Maybe become a famous author or journalist one day I suppose. Unlikely, and even if I did, it likely wouldn't be for a long time, and by then most of my favorite chefs could have left, so no go on that one.

Skill B - Music: Become a famous musician - ha...Even if I WERE good enough (which I'm not, nor will I ever be), still a long shot.

Skill C - Making people laugh at my expense: Now here's where we might have something. People are always in need of a cheap, possibly self-esteem boosting, laugh, and I have proven time and time again that I have little to no shame. But how can I utilize my willingness to become an exhibitionist? Stand up comedy? Another long shot. But that's when it hit me...

A meme.

It was so simple. If a guy yelling "LEEROOOYY JJEAANKINSSS!!!" can do it, and become famous (he had a question on Jeopardy about him, albeit one that no one got), then by the Hammer of Thor, why not me???

So I will be taking submissions of ideas for the next great Internet meme, as put forth by myself, starting now. If you're lucky, I'll let you ride my coattails to superstardom, maybe even arrange for you to get a doggie bag of Iron Chef leftovers. Though, be warned, I already have some material posted on YouTube, and it might already be ready to rocket me into Food Network glory. Watch it, and behold its majesty.

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