Wednesday, January 20, 2010

My Reaction to Full Metal Jacket, and the Ensuing Idea


So I was sitting around tonight, feeling bad about two things: I haven't blogged in a couple days, and I didn't have any ideas for tonight's post. I was frantically searching around for ideas, any ideas, and one of my roommates didn't want to do his Italian homework, so we popped in Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket.

If you aren't familiar with with the movie, then I sincerely suggest you go out and see it. I had never seen it before, even though I'm a big fan of war movies, and assumed that I'd be able to divulge some deep meaning and/or insight into the nature of humanity or myself. And it did, but that's not what I decided to blog about. Instead, it was this, and a fantastic idea:


For a large part of the movie, the main characters are in a boot camp lead by one Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, one of the most foul-mouthed human beings in existence. From his mouth comes gems such as these:

If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard, but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on n*ggers, kIkes, w*ps or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?

Holy dog shit. Texas? Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy. And you don't look much like a steer to me so that kinda narrows it down. Do you suck dicks?

I bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you.

You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece!

I want that head so sanitary and squared-away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in and take a dump.

And there are plenty more where that came from. But I said/quoted all that for an epically awesome idea that all this gave me.

I want the superpower of being able to spew profanity indefinitely at will.

Not only does it have extreme shock value, an insta-win for most arguments, but it also has application to stopping crime in the traditional superpower sense. Imagine. The ability to turn on a stream of words so disgusting, so loathsome and depraved that it could stop any criminals in their tracks....


*a special red phone rings*

Me: Hey Chief, what's up?

Police Chief: **** Man, we need you. We got a Mexican standoff down at the bank. Robbery gone wrong, now they're holding twenty-one people hostages.

Me: I'll be there.

*a few minutes later, at the bank...*

Me, to the robbers: Excuse me, but I'd like to interject, if I may...

Robber #1: Wha-

Me: *Unprintable*

Robber #2: Did you hear what he-

Robber #3: How hurtful!

Robber #1: My mother does NOT-

Robber #3: C'mon guys, let's get out of here! This guy is too hurtful!



Here is comedian Stephen Lynch's ideas for superheroes. With music!


Hey! Look Behind You! said...

I hate that this is a movie I should have seen a billion times by now, but nope, never seen it. I can't watch movies like these on basic cable because I know it will be edited. I'm going to add it to Netflix now!

soft nonsense said...

I couldn't even begin counting the number of movies that I've seen on TV and either known that it would be edited as heck or found it only after it had been playing for 15 minutes. Either way, I feel as if I would have been cheating myself out of a full movie experience, so I wouldn't watch it.

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